We all need it. Some more than others.
Depression and more, Yeah I’ve got it…
So some people know what I have been talking about, some don’t and I know if you’re human, you are probably curious as to what I have been going on about the last week or so. I have decided to share everything… well not everything, I’m going to keep some to my self., But for the most part, this is me. I also want to say I haven’t shared everything, because as soon as I tell people, I get “that” look, and those who are kind of like me, will understand what “that” look is. I don’t want to be treated different. I don’t want to hear that you are praying for me, only because I don’t know what I believe in. If you want to pray for me, fine. Just don’t tell me. If I get anything negative, which I’m hoping I won’t. I’ll probably unfriend (originally going to post to FB) you, as right now there is actually some positivity in my life, I don’t need negativity. Anyways, I’m going to copy and add to what I sent to a friend because I don’t want to forget anything or mix anything up.
It really does. Rejection is the worst feeling in the world.
When I was in 2nd grade I got my first label, learning disabled. When I was little it was reading and math, but I think, my reading level was so low, because I wasn’t interested in it. But by the time I was 16, I was reading at college level. But math has always given me trouble. It’s embarrassing but I’m 30 and have a 3rd grade math level… I can divide, but after that I just don’t get it… I don’t know why, but it just doesn’t stick. I also was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. Almost everyone knows what ADD/ADHD is, the H in ADD is just ADD with Hyperactivity slapped on. Now not many people know what ODD is. Many when they hear the definition, say “Oh well that is just a spoiled rotten kid” but no. This is ODD; Oppositional defiant disorder is a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures. Sound scary huh? Fun to be had then. I wasn’t the easiest kid to raise. ODD literally means that I am Hard-Wired to not agree. If I seem argumentative to you, I am honestly trying not to be. I was in in out of psychiatrist and psychologist offices from 2nd grade until now.
No one ever said this to me, but this is what I imagine, people thought of me.
When I was 11 I was diagnosed as Bipolar. I was put on lithium, which I blame for my weight gain. I started gaining and with all the meds I have been on, continued gaining. I think had I not been put on sodium based meds, I would not be as big as I am now… I also around 13/14 when through a phase where I wouldn’t take my meds because I didn’t think I needed them… I do. When I’m not on them I am very moody and I have a really short fuse. Don’t irritate me. I also didn’t take them because they made me feel like I was on the inside looking out. My brain just was really foggy. It wasn’t a good time. From I got back on my meds at 20, Prozac for 6 years… it really didn’t do anything for me. Mom said it did, but I didn’t feel any different.
Going to side step a little here, I was bullied for being in special ed classes all my school career. When I was in 8th grade I had had enough and my mom home schooled me for a year, that didn’t work so I was able to go to Alternative Ed, aka School of choice… yeah then I just got lazy and stopped going and dropped out altogether. I was working though. I had a job a week after my 16th Birthday. I also babysat A LOT lol So I kept busy. I was 19 and decided I wanted to get back to school, but I did not want a GED. I always said that anyone can get a GED, I felt it was cheating. But in the Spring of 2008 I decided to get my GED, I got tutored for my wonderfully sucky math skills, after a afternoon of googling for Free GED Tutoring. Spent the Spring and Summer learning and trying to remember math. Fall came around and I was in GED classes. Took all the test by Christmas. was done. My experience at Mott is for another day… That is it’s own can of worms.
Just imagine this is you life EVERYday…
With all those diagnosis I just never felt “right”. Like something else was wrong. I was on SSI (basically disability for those who can’t work or qualify for disability)from age 6 when dr found out I had an Atrial Septal Defect. A hole in the Septal wall of my heart the size of a $.50 piece. When I was 18 I had to go in for a recertification. Social Security Administration wanted to make sure I still qualified for SSI. They sent me to a pop up office in downtown Flint across from a crack house, the man was at the very least 80 yrs old and was working in an office with no power and out of a cardboard filing cabinet. This man asked me my age no less then 10 times, and this man decided that I no longer needed SSI…. I’ve struggled since then to keep jobs and go to school… I’ve not worked for 7 years because of my erratic work history, no one will call me in for an interview let alone hire me.
My mom has been supporting me my whole life and I love her for it, but it’s not fair for her. I’m 30 yrs old and I still live with my mother. If she would decide tomorrow she was over it I would be on the streets, but she won’t. She is the best, most awesome person I know! I have since re applied for SSI and have been denied. I’m now in the appeals process. Yesterday morning I made a list of over 19 things whether they be cognitive(mental health , physical or developmental maladies that I have suffered from birth or have developed later in my teen’s and twenties… I’m a mess.
The last few months I have wondered if I was Autistic or had Asperger’s Syndrome, because it’s not that I don’t like people, or want friends… I just don’t have the desire to socialize. It’s sounds terrible, but I’ve always be quite content watching movies, reading or surfing the web by myself. I love having my immediate family around, but when I’m in public, or even round cousins or 2nd aunts, uncles or cousins I’m awkward. I never know what to say and there are many awkward pauses. So I tend to stay away from special functions. I’m happier just observing rather than participating. I want to say right now that if I seem like I am ignoring you, I’m not. I just feel that I have nothing to add to the conversation or am not sure what else to say.
I don’t know what is wrong with me… I only have Genesee Health Plan (county government health insurance) so I can’t have genetic testing done to see if there is something wrong on a chromosome level… Like I said I’m a hot mess, but Yesterday was a HUGE step in the right direction of getting me back on SSI and Medicaid. Now if only my attorney would call me back!!
Yesterday I basically put the list in front of my psychiatrist that I have seen 4 maybe 5 times (new dr) he said that between my back problems and my mental health problems, there is no way I can work. I can’t tell you how elated I felt when he said that, I have had doctors and therapist make me feel stupid, or that I was wasting their time. Finally someone has verified that I have known and felt all my life, and it’s awesome!