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We all need it. Some more than others.

 

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Depression and more, Yeah I’ve got it…

 

So some people know what I have been talking about, some don’t and I know if you’re human, you are probably curious as to what I have been going on about the last week or so. I have decided to share everything… well not everything, I’m going to keep some to my self., But for the most part, this is me. I also want to say I haven’t shared everything, because as soon as I tell people, I get “that” look, and those who are kind of like me, will understand what “that” look is. I don’t want to be treated different. I don’t want to hear that you are praying for me, only because I don’t know what I believe in. If you want to pray for me, fine. Just don’t tell me. If I get anything negative, which I’m hoping I won’t. I’ll probably unfriend (originally going to post to FB) you, as right now there is actually some positivity in my life, I don’t need negativity. Anyways, I’m going to copy and add to what I sent to a friend because I don’t want to forget anything or mix anything up.

 

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It really does. Rejection is the worst feeling in the world.

When I was in 2nd grade I got my first label, learning disabled. When I was little it was reading and math, but I think, my reading level was so low, because I wasn’t interested in it. But by the time I was 16, I was reading at college level. But math has always given me trouble. It’s embarrassing but I’m 30 and have a 3rd grade math level… I can divide, but after that I just don’t get it… I don’t know why, but it just doesn’t stick. I also was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD. Almost everyone knows what ADD/ADHD is, the H in ADD is just ADD with Hyperactivity slapped on. Now not many people know what ODD is. Many when they hear the definition, say “Oh well that is just a spoiled rotten kid” but no. This is ODD; Oppositional defiant disorder is a pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures. Sound scary huh? Fun to be had then. I wasn’t the easiest kid to raise.  ODD literally means that I am Hard-Wired to not agree. If I seem argumentative to you, I am honestly trying not to be. I was in in out of psychiatrist and psychologist offices from 2nd grade until now.

 

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No one ever said this to me, but this is what I imagine, people thought of me.

When I was 11 I was diagnosed as Bipolar. I was put on lithium, which I blame for my weight gain. I started gaining and with all the meds I have been on, continued gaining. I think had I not been put on sodium based meds, I would not be as big as I am now… I also around 13/14 when through a phase where I wouldn’t take my meds because I didn’t think I needed them… I do. When I’m not on them I am very moody and I have a really short fuse. Don’t irritate me. I also didn’t take them because they made me feel like I was on the inside looking out. My brain just was really foggy. It wasn’t a good time. From I got back on my meds at 20, Prozac for 6 years… it really didn’t do anything for me. Mom said it did, but I didn’t feel any different.

 

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Going to side step a little here, I was bullied for being in special ed classes all my school career. When I was in 8th grade I had had enough and my mom home schooled me for a year, that didn’t work so I was able to go to Alternative Ed, aka School of choice… yeah then I just got lazy and stopped going and dropped out altogether. I was working though. I had a job a week after my 16th Birthday. I also babysat A LOT lol So I kept busy. I was 19 and decided I wanted to get back to school, but I did not want a GED. I always said that anyone can get a GED, I felt it was cheating. But in the Spring of 2008 I decided to get my GED, I got tutored for my wonderfully sucky math skills, after a afternoon of googling for Free GED Tutoring. Spent the Spring and Summer learning and trying to remember math. Fall came around and I was in GED classes. Took all the test by Christmas. was done. My experience at Mott is for another day… That is it’s own can of worms.

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Just imagine this is you life EVERYday…

With all those diagnosis I just never felt “right”. Like something else was wrong. I was on SSI (basically disability for those who can’t work or qualify for disability)from age 6 when dr found out I had an Atrial Septal Defect. A hole in the Septal wall of my heart the size of a $.50 piece. When I was 18 I had to go in for a recertification. Social Security Administration wanted to make sure I still qualified for SSI. They sent me to a pop up office in downtown Flint across from a crack house, the man was at the very least 80 yrs old and was working in an office with no power and out of a cardboard filing cabinet. This man asked me my age no less then 10 times, and this man decided that I no longer needed SSI…. I’ve struggled since then to keep jobs and go to school… I’ve not worked for 7 years because of my erratic work history, no one will call me in for an interview let alone hire me.

 

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My mom has been supporting me my whole life and I love her for it, but it’s not fair for her. I’m 30 yrs old and I still live with my mother. If she would decide tomorrow she was over it I would be on the streets, but she won’t. She is the best, most awesome person I know! I have since re applied for SSI and have been denied. I’m now in the appeals process. Yesterday morning I made a list of over 19 things whether they be cognitive(mental health , physical or developmental maladies that I have suffered from birth or have developed later in my teen’s and twenties… I’m a mess.

 

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The last few months I have wondered if I was Autistic or had Asperger’s Syndrome, because it’s not that I don’t like people, or want friends… I just don’t have the desire to socialize. It’s sounds terrible, but I’ve always be quite content watching movies, reading or surfing the web by myself. I love having my immediate family around, but when I’m in public, or even round cousins or 2nd aunts, uncles or cousins I’m awkward. I never know what to say and there are many awkward pauses. So I tend to stay away from special functions. I’m happier just observing rather than participating. I want to say right now that if I seem like I am ignoring you, I’m not. I just feel that I have nothing to add to the conversation or am not sure what else to say.

 

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I don’t know what is wrong with me… I only have Genesee Health Plan (county government health insurance) so I can’t have genetic testing done to see if there is something wrong on a chromosome level… Like I said I’m a hot mess, but Yesterday was a HUGE step in the right direction of getting me back on SSI and Medicaid. Now if only my attorney would call me back!!

 

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Yesterday I basically put the list in front of my psychiatrist that I have seen 4 maybe 5 times (new dr) he said that between my back problems and my mental health problems, there is no way I can work. I can’t tell you how elated I felt when he said that, I have had doctors and therapist make me feel stupid, or that I was wasting their time. Finally someone has verified that I have known and felt all my life, and it’s awesome!